tuesday.

I turned the corner and a guy was sprawled across the trail with a bike between his legs like he attempted to do jumping jacks on the damn thing and then ran into a fucking tree. I started to dread the situation. As I got closer, I hit the brake, took out my earbuds and asked what happened.  He was cheek to cheek with the sidewalk, there was a blood outlining his nose. He was probably alright. No one saw it, but I was sure it was the jumping jacks. Thank God someone else called 911.

I surveyed the scene: 3 girls in their twenties who heard and then found the fallen biker, a momish character with a gold chain and Adidas pants, an overly helpful cyclist in full gear working his heart out to stop oncoming bikers. One of the girls was on the phone, turned away from me, calmly asking questions about our location. It wasn’t right to just ride off after I had already stopped and asked questions. The guy started to snore. I looked around at the others, no one seemed to notice that this guy just passed out while riding his bike through the park. Someone asked if he was breathing. I needed to get out of there. I reached for a tissue to blow my nose, the lady with the gold chain looked at me like I was crying. I wasn’t. I was only a skeptic with a runny nose.

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denver.

we’re moving.
soon.
half way across the country.
this is exciting.
this is frightening.
new terrain.
more education.
a savings account.

yikes.

i have trouble being happy for people who have hurt others.
i mean, i know it wasn’t my business, but it was still a shitty thing to do.

i have trouble wanting to accept things that have happened that i don’t think should’ve happened for very obvious reasons.

i have trouble spending time (or even thinking about spending time) with those who do these terrible things to themselves and others. i just don’t know how our next trip down there will be….too many new people. too few wrongs overlooked–or just forgotten for convenience.

i really hope i get accepted. really really hope. i want to get out of here. to start new. to get away from others’ matters that are not mine nor their’s. i just want to have the excuse of being far away rather than not having one and obviously avoiding awkward situations. and trying to keep my mouth shut.

an opinion could be a deadly thing in these matters.

effort and humor.

it’s been raining. for days.
if this were snow, we’d have over 3 feet by now.
my god, what a terrible thought.
my dependence on the weather is rather ridiculous, but out of my control.
i’ve done a lot of work lately.
not employment work as much as ‘get out of employment’ work.
i feel like i could’ve worked harder, but it’s too late for that now.
i have to wait.
wait for the beginning of next week.
then i’ll know.
the verdict will be in.
i’ll know if it was worth it.
as for now…get through this week.
with minimal contact with jon.
and our weekend pulled apart. as usual.
i want him to have a new job,
but not as bad as he wants a new job.

today i laughed at a kid in a rage.
i had to.
he was so funny. so serious.
he was going to show me. to hurt my feelings.
he just made me laugh.
i tried to hide my smile,
he got angrier.
i tried to hold my breath,
he threw more paper.
i tried to clench my jaw,
i laughed.

i’m still not sure how he took it.

today was beautiful. encouraging and depressing as hell.

i haven’t been writing. seriously….i haven’t even thought of a plot or character in a long time. probably since last summer. something about life gets in the way of the actual “doing” of life. i did some writing, but it was in the effort of getting into grad school….not to actually get anything off of my chest or to reflect. it’s almost like the idea of writing is this elevated state of being and i’m too tired everyday to put forth the effort.

i feel like i have a way to get out of my current job–grad school. but a lot of it rests on getting accepted. in reality, i don’t have a way out yet. the anxiety of a potential escape is exhilerating. the anxiety of potential defeat is unfathomable.

we all need to plan an escape for sanity’s sake.
this idea should be up there with the golden rule.

my current plan: get through winter and hope grad school works out.

under heaps of snow.

i took the gre today. everything in the world was canceled except for my nonrefundable appointment with the gre test. i went outside half an hour early to clean off my car and to make sure it was going to start. it’s exhausting to bundle up, swipe snow off of the car, pummel the windshield wipers to submission, and then to trudge back up 3 flights of stairs.

so, i drove through snowy mishawaka. behind a jack-knifing semi and in the center of 12+ inches of snow…squeaking my way all the way through the town, only to listen to my boots squeak to the door of the testing center.

i was freaking out…shaking reading the directions. i told myself to get over it. there were times i thought i was screwed, that denver or kent state would laugh in the face of my digitally sent score. there were times i thought i was kicking ass, where northwestern or columbia would find my scores and beg me to start their program.

in the end, i didn’t do too badly. it wasn’t my best, but it was enough to get past entry requirements for my programs. this is exciting. exciting enough to try a new recipe and buy 2 bottles of wine.

i’m glad to be done with it. glad to have options to get out of here. glad to know that in 2 months i’ll be on the jovial brink of spring, getting the hell away from winter and the layers that my frame simply can’t handle beyond december.

for some reason…

i’ve never felt so distant, but so connected. it’s a constantly fluctuating feeling. back and forth. and then back again. a pendulum. within seconds flailing to the other side, only to fall back.

today was my birthday. i was disappointed when people at work found out it was my birthday and they gave me a hard time. i don’t like being the center of attention, unless i choose to be. i was disappointed that i only got 3 calls. 1 being from my husband, but it’s his job…so, really only 2 calls. both from ka(i)ties. thank god for ka(i)ties. i tried to be disappointed there wasn’t a huge party for me, but i didn’t really care.

my eyes are burning. a quick cry on the way home. that damn song again. mixed with the first usage of contacts in a month. why don’t i write more? i promised to write for matt. for a thing that meant something to him…but is starting to mean less.

i have aspirations. to revise/edit and send off, only to be published…some sort of recognition, but i haven’t looked at/created my stuff since my last semester of college. thank god for deadlines. the fact that i’ll have deadlines will be the only thing getting me into grad school….if they accept me.

the hour drive causes me to breeze through my music collection. it causes me to build up all sorts of enthusiasm, only to end up exhausted on the couch when i step through the door. it causes me to think too much about which steps i should take to create my future.

too many causes and not so many effects.
they should be worth the wait.

i think too much about weather.

the first thing i do in the morning is check the weather and based on what i find, check the delays or shower. i wait for the weather on the news. it’s always last….always the crowd pleaser. it got to the point where i was writing a story about a man who only believed in the “feels like” temperature on the daily weather reports. he hated people, thought they were liars. loved weather….it was constant, people weren’t.

when i drive, i wait to hear the weather. i already know it, i checked it in the morning, but it doesn’t matter because it might have changed in the last few hours. the trip home, i scan for the weather, but get aerosmith and god knows what else made it’s way into the pop music scene.

if there is a big snow storm, i’ll check the reports constantly until i can get an estimated snow total. if it’s stormy weather, i don’t care as much. snow and ice delay or cancel school. and i’m off the hook. storms just cause slow driving and hidden potholes.

tonight there’s a winter weather advisory.
i’ll check hourly for updates.

……i need a better hobby.

something about…

i guess there’s just something about canadian rock, a solid wheat beer, and paint that puts me in a good mood.

i’m feeling better. i’m getting over this rut at work. i guess applying for a job at a huge corporation that i’ll most likely never get made me feel better….it was probably just realizing that i’m not tied down. jon’s getting more resumes out…i’m excited for him.

today there was snow. well, not real snow, but that tiny ice ball snow. if it can even be considered snow. anyway, it was frozen and it fell to the ground. it made me put on a scarf and a winter coat. i try to tell myself that it’s not so bad….it’s at least twenty degrees colder in december.

speaking of…i have been excited about christmas since we moved here. i’ve actually been dreaming about it. i can’t believe i’m starting to sympathize with retailers. i now understand why they put out holiday merchandise months before christmas. plus, if it takes all that time to decorate, put up, or essemble, it better be damn worth it. today phillip’s class sang songs for their christmas program. i was so pumped up until he told me to shut up and that he hated me for making him sit in his seat.

i can’t be doing this forever.

we’re not doing anything for halloween.

locked upstairs in our room…space heater oscilating to keep me warm under 9 foot ceilings and 3 blankets. the cold rain made my hands and feet cold all day despite sweater pockets, thick socks, and hot tea. my throat is red-not quite swollen, but dry. days of vitamin c and chocolate chips have yet to calm my sinuses.

on the way home, the landscape seemed staged. buckets of paint spilled along the treetops. paint bled throughout the trees across indiana and some splattered to the ground. roofs were perfectly sprinkled with leaves…a hallmark card…thinking of you.

but i cry much easier now. work is slightly depressing me, but i feel bad leaving after only being there for 2 months. i never thought i’d let it get to me. i was wrong and now i cry. i long for school where these cases were on paper, fictional analysis of fictional characters. dsm codes assigned to nothing and no guilt or disappointment in their lack of interest.

today i told my boss that i can’t stand dumbasses and made the quick conclusion that i’m in the wrong field. he said i look at things too logically. but that’s all i’ve done my entire life. logic. now that this emotional aspect is surfacing, life is harder. not as bad as theirs, but difficult for mine.

i feel lucky, but with that comes buckets of guilt.